Tag: communication

On Being “Seducible”

On Being “Seducible”

In my post on the difference between enthusiastic consent and explicit consent, I mentioned that in long term relationships, people sometimes have motivations for sex other than libido. People have sex to build intimacy, try to get pregnant, release stress, for relationship maintenance… There are a ton of reasons to get up close and personal … Continue reading On Being “Seducible”

No, No One Is Cancelled

No, No One Is Cancelled

Nicki Minaj is cancelled. Benedict Cumberbatch is cancelled. James Gunn is cancelled. Taylor Swift is cancelled. Ilana Glazer is cancelled. Cardi B is cancelled. Rowan Atkinson is cancelled. Everyone is cancelled. And we need to stop saying that people are cancelled. What does that even mean? Who says that? When someone is cancelled, it means … Continue reading No, No One Is Cancelled

How to Fix Toxic or Abusive Relationships

How to Fix Toxic or Abusive Relationships

Can you fix a toxic relationship? How about an abusive one? If you’re in an abusive relationship, the first step is to ask yourself if you really want to fix your relationship. An abusive partner does not respect you. They think that they are entitled to control your existence and your experience as a human. … Continue reading How to Fix Toxic or Abusive Relationships

Is it Toxic or Abusive?

Is it Toxic or Abusive?

How do you decide if someone’s behavior is toxic or if it’s abusive? That’s a really, really difficult question. It can be tough to clearly assess what someone’s motivation is through a lens of love or a lens of pain. We all have personal context that colors our judgment. We’re often inclined to give our … Continue reading Is it Toxic or Abusive?

Toxic Relationships vs. Abusive Relationships

Toxic Relationships vs. Abusive Relationships

What is the difference between a toxic relationship and an abusive relationship? A lot of people use either of those phrases to talk about unhealthy or damaging relationships, but we don’t have a clear breakdown as to what constitutes as toxic behavior, and what constitutes as abusive behavior. It’s often ambiguous, even to the people … Continue reading Toxic Relationships vs. Abusive Relationships

Why It’s So Easy to be Gaslit in Relationships

Why It’s So Easy to be Gaslit in Relationships

While getting ready for work one morning, one of my partners said, “I have 10 hours banked up. I’m not *really* needed in the office today. Maybe I should just take the whole day off.” “You could do that,” I responded, “but you probably shouldn’t. They’d like you to give input in that meeting at … Continue reading Why It’s So Easy to be Gaslit in Relationships

What is Gaslighting?

What is Gaslighting?

cw: abuse and abusive relationships. . . . What is gaslighting?   The textbook definition of gaslighting is an abuse technique used in long term relationships, where one partner manipulates the other into questioning their memory, sanity, or perception of reality. It places the abused partner in a position of vulnerability, where they don't trust … Continue reading What is Gaslighting?

Who You Are in “Real Life”

Who You Are in “Real Life”

I was speaking with a friend the other week, and asked if I could take a moment to vent about another, non-present friend. “She’s so cold and rude to me,” I complained. “Whenever she screws up, she makes excuses for how it wasn’t her fault, or gets angry that I brought up the thing she … Continue reading Who You Are in “Real Life”

Abusers with Social Capital: What Happens?

Abusers with Social Capital: What Happens?

cw: abuse   What happens when your abuser has more social capital than you do?   Something that I see often is consent-driven communities that have an abuser problem. Why does this happen? Because the community is hierarchy based (as all communities are), and doesn’t have a way to address, let alone remove, abusers with … Continue reading Abusers with Social Capital: What Happens?